I don’t know if I love you.

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I don’t know anything about romance because I’ve never been in love before.

I don’t know how love feels. Or how anyone is ever sure that what they’re feeling is really love in its purest sense.

A friend of mine once asked me if I had fallen for you and I couldn’t give a straight answer.

“I don’t know,” I said.

Because how could you say that you loved someone you barely knew?

 

We’ve only known each other for a few months. We aren’t that close and the longest conversation we’ve ever had alone lasted for only a few minutes. Yet, for some inexplicable reason, I can’t imagine a world without you in it.

Although I’ve never really believed in signs, I feel as if there’s a reason the universe sent me in your direction. We’re like two magnets of opposite poles. Yet I’m the only one who feels the attraction.

 

I don’t know if I love you.

Here’s what I do know:

I know that I’m happier when I’m around you. You have this zest for life that I’ve always both greatly admired and slightly envied.

You’re like that one tree in a forest that is always larger than all the other trees. Your branches are always spread out, facing the sky, basking in the sun’s warm glow. That’s why you grow quicker than the other trees… You’re always first in line for the sunshine.

But instead of keeping the sun’s warm glow for yourself, you choose to share it. Yes, you enjoy the growth but you want it for others as well. You’re a great leader and you always bring out the best in the people around you.

You’re the kind of person who always seeks new experiences and challenges. The kind of person who makes an effort to understand other people’s ideas and perspectives even though they may seem completely foreign to you.

You’re the kind of person who works out daily even though you hate doing it. The kind of person who usually steers clear of junk food even though you love burgers. I don’t know if I could ever match that level of discipline and determination.

You also have a lot of seemingly contradictory traits (and some oddly charming quirks). You’re a writer who hates reading and an engineer who likes writing. You love Chinese food but you don’t know how to use chopsticks.

You’re very extroverted and friendly but you also keep your cards close to your chest a lot of the time. I feel like you’re easy to hang around with but difficult to really get to know.

You have the tendency to shy away from negative emotions but you’re also unafraid to confront a problem head on when you feel the situation calls for it. You almost always have a lot of things to say but you keep your silence when you feel it is needed. You occasionally pretend that nothing has happened when you don’t know how to deal with some of the things you’re feeling…

 

I don’t know if I love you.

Here’s what I do know:

When you’re not around, I miss you. I always wonder how you are and what you’re doing. I wonder if you’re doing okay, if you’re happy. I always hope that you don’t experience the same bouts of chronic sadness that have plagued me for years.

I love your smile. You have such a beautiful smile and a wonderful laugh. (And a corny but charming sense of humor.)

But I always wish I could see you even when you aren’t smiling… not because I want you to be sad, but because I want to be around when you need help or comfort and understanding.

I wish I could be there when your zest for life needs to be recharged or when your trees branches need to be watered. I’d like to be around when you need a hand with the challenges life throws at you or even simply when you need someone to teach you how to use chopsticks.

I wish I could learn more about how you feel and what you think about. I wish I could be the person you’d want to talk to when you’re tired or lonely or stressed.

 

I wish I could know for sure if I love you or not.

But I can’t really know for sure unless I really get to know you on a deeper level.

 

Oh, well. I guess I’ll never really know.

 

 

 

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The Oxford Comma Is My Friend

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Back when I was younger, the Oxford Comma and I weren’t exactly pals. Sure, I knew who he was. I’d nod his way when we passed each other and he’d give me a meek smile in return. We never really talked but we both knew that the other existed.

All that changed a month or so ago when I got my very first job at a digital marketing company in (at? on??? Ah, whatever.) Quezon City. The Oxford Comma is now my friend. I can no longer write without him.

 

My Love Affair With Writing

For those who don’t know (but care enough to want to know hahaha), I work as a copywriter. Never in my life did I ever imagine this as my first job. I’ve always wanted to be a writer, though.

When I was a kid, I wanted to be an author. Books of all sorts were my whole world. During my high school years, my writing dream shifted. When I joined our school newspaper, I became enamored with journalism. I opted to take up the course Mass Communication in college but Life had other plans for me.

I got into the school I wanted but not the course I truly desired.

(F.Y.I. I’m a Psychology major. Psych and I have a loving bond that is more like a gentle friendship than a passionate romance.)

 

Where Existential Crises Blossom

Ah, the University of the Philippines, my great love… who is also the source of a lot of my great pain.

My college days came with some of the greatest hurdles of my young life. As a person who has been an honor student since pre-school, getting failing grades was like getting stabbed in the heart. My confidence and self-esteem plummeted. I began believing I was stupid, gained weight, and experienced a lengthy period of chronic sadness.

Of course, soon enough, my fortunes changed… or rather, I changed.

I grew.

I learned how to study harder than I ever did before. I found great friends who helped and supported me. I found great mentors in some of my awesome professors. I fell in love with films. Soon, I started writing again.

 

A Tale of Self-Discovery

For all four-and-a-half years I was in UP, I barely wrote anything aside from school-related papers and the occasional social media rant. In my fourth year, my love for writing came back. I decided to start updating my long-abandoned WordPress blog (hello there!) for practice. Then, I began dreaming of being a screenwriter and joined a bunch of film-related workshops and seminars.

It was a lot of fun. Yes, to this day, I still dream of being a screenwriter but Life called out to me, reminding me that I should start acting like a responsible adult. “Strive for financial independence first… and help your parents pay the bills”, he said.

 

Back To Reality

…And, here we are. Before I graduated college, copywriting wasn’t even on my radar. I knew I wanted a writing job because I honestly believe that I am somewhat good at it (it may possibly be the only thing I’m good at).

I applied for a lot of jobs from a variety of industries, from media to print. Finally, I landed the job I currently have–writing marketing materials for small-to-medium businesses. I didn’t expect to be here. Yet, here I am… and you know what? I like the work that I’m doing.

Sure, I don’t get a byline on the newspapers nor do I get to see my name on the end credits of a film or see my face on the back cover of a book. BUT I do get to write. I get to help businesses share their products and services with the world and that is pretty valuable.

I’ve learned a lot in this company. They’ve gotten me to use the Oxford Comma and made me realize how awful I am at using the proper prepositions. I love the people (especially one person in particular *waves at you, even though you probably don’t know who you are* hahaha). I love the friends I’ve made and my two awesome trainers.

The moral of the story here is: Sometimes what we expect isn’t what we need.

I don’t know what the future holds for me but, for now, I’m just going to enjoy the ride.

Reminder: Don’t be too hard on yourself

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For the past months or so, I had been feeling down. Things weren’t going well in my life and although obviously I know that life isn’t always a ride in the park, my first few months in the so-called “adult world” had been pretty rough.

I almost lost my best friend to suicide. My parents are stressed out because of unpaid debts. I didn’t get hired for the job I really, really, really wanted. I was rejected for the scholarship I had applied for. And on top of all that, I am bothered by the news of all the awful things happening in my country.

Yes, I know that my problems aren’t that big compared to what a lot of other people go through but, despite trying my best to keep smiling and moving forward, I couldn’t help but worry about everything.

And whenever I worry, I write.

 

Writing has always been my therapy. Ever since I was a kid, whenever I was feeling sad or lost or stressed or anxious, I’d write. I used to write only in my private journals but as I grew older, I became more open to sharing my writings with the world.

It can often be hard for artists to share their art because they fear rejection and/or judgment but I want to share my works because I like thinking that perhaps there are other people out there who are going through the same things I’m going through. Perhaps those people also need to hear these words that I’m writing for myself. Perhaps other people also need this reminder:

 

DON’T BE TOO HARD ON YOURSELF.

Yes, you. Don’t be too hard on yourself.

Everyone goes through difficulties and hardships so don’t blame yourself for everything. If you feel helpless or hopeless, it’s okay. Things will be okay.

Once more, I repeat: Don’t be too hard on yourself.

 

Life is tough, okay? Challenges cannot be avoided. There are plenty of things we can’t control. The only thing we can really control is how we respond to our situation.

When we run into an obstacle, we ought to keep moving forward.

But before moving forward, don’t be afraid to FEEL your feelings. Allow yourself to feel the hurt, the pain, the sadness, the anger. Take it all in.

We are only human. No matter how hard we try, we can’t be happy 100% of the time. Negative emotions are part of the package. Don’t avoid them. Don’t keep them inside.

Breathe them in… and breathe them out.

 

Once you’ve allowed yourself to feel, REFLECT. Do not linger on what you’ve lost but think of what you’ve gained. Remind yourself of what you’ve learned from the situation. Have the wisdom to discern what you’ve done well, what you could’ve done better, and what was out of your control.

What’s next, you ask? Well, here’s the hard part: We keep living.

We are human. We feel, we hurt, we stumble… Then we keep going.

 

I know I need this reminder. I know you need this reminder. Whoever you are, wherever you are in the world, I don’t know what you’re going through… but I believe in you.

Do not despair. We can do it.

I’m not giving up on you.

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We met when we were both in our first year of high school. We were about 11 or 12 years old. Neither of us really had any genuinely close friendships at the time. It was probably because we were both weird. It could’ve been because we were both bullied when we were younger. For whatever reason, we met, became friends, and, though I didn’t realize it at the time, I had found someone who understood me completely.

Years went by and we were still close. Throughout our last three years of high school, we and our three other best friends were practically inseparable.

We went through a lot together. We kept our grades up together, withstood social bullying together, and encouraged each other to pursue our passions. I know that without you and without our friends, high school would’ve been my Hell. Instead, my high school years were some of the most fun times of my life.

 

I still remember all those times we spent together doing group projects, eating Hong Kong noodles, filming a movie for our class, talking about random things like Japanese game shows.

I remember we had a fight once, though I don’t remember what we fought about. I only remember how lonely it felt when we didn’t talk to each other for a few days. Whatever we fought about was probably a petty matter and I regret that we didn’t make up sooner. It makes me sad thinking about those few days we lost.

Thankfully, after a while, things got back to the way they were. I was so relieved to have my best friend back.

 

Even after we graduated high school and went to different colleges, we still kept in touch. Every weekend, we’d talk over the phone. We’d talk for hours and hours. I would rant about how hard things are in UP and you’d brag (hahaha kidding) about your awesome grades. We’d talk about movies, books and TV shows.

We didn’t get to hang out a lot in person because college kept us both busy but, thankfully, when we did hang out, it felt as if we had never been apart at all.

 

Then, I remember you telling me that you were moving to Canada. I didn’t show it at the time but I felt devastated.

I remember coming to your house with one of our other best friends. We came to say our goodbyes. We brought you gifts and you gave us letters. I remember squeezing you tightly while we were walking together. I held you from behind and whispered “Please don’t go”.

Of course, you had to go. I understood.

 

At first, I found it difficult living so far away from you but, soon enough, we found a way to communicate with each other regularly. (Thank you, Facebook Messenger!)

Though it was still hard, we found a way to make things work. We talked a lot about silly things. We talked about things we liked. I’d tell you about how UP had been draining my energy, and you’d tell me about school and work.

Our conversations used to be a lot simpler. We talked about our feelings but our feelings weren’t as complex back then. Happy, sad, angry, tired, etc.

I noticed that as more time went on, our conversations grew more complex. We talked about anxiety, both in social situations and in other personal situations. We talked about our worries in the present and our even more complicated worries for the future. We talked about regret and how we wished we could turn back time and do some things differently. We talked about life and death, and how people seemed to view those two concepts as opposites instead of as natural extensions of the other. We talked about depression and how hard it was to keep surviving.

We talked to each other about things we would never be comfortable telling other people.

 

You told me about your therapist and I told you about my counsellor. You told me that you told your doctor about me and she assumed that we were lesbian lovers. I guess it can be hard for some people to fully grasp how intimate and enriching a friendship can be. Then again, you are more than a best friend to me, more than a sister. I don’t think there really is a word for who we are to each other (Best friends? Soul Sisters? Life Partners?).

 

We promised each other that no matter how hard things get, we’ll always be there for each other. We promised to keep each other from imploding. We promised that we would survive.

 

On Tuesday (May 9), I woke up thinking that it was just going to be another ordinary day. After brunch, I decided to check my FB messenger, knowing that you’d have left me a message. And you did. But it wasn’t the one I was expecting.

You thanked me for living and surviving with you. You apologized for not being able to keep your promises. “But I don’t expect you to forgive me”, you added.

Your final words to me were “I love and miss you. Good bye.

 

I really can’t bear the thought of being without you. Losing you would be like losing a piece of my soul. When I first read what you wrote, it was like our lives flashed before my eyes and I suddenly had to imagine a world without you and it was a world I didn’t want to be part of.

We have plans. We have so much we still have yet to do. You were going to be a veterinarian. I was going to be a filmmaker. We were going to save up enough money so we could visit each other.

We were going to go travel around the world, visit places like Macchu Picchu, Paris, Italy, wherever else.

And once we turn a hundred years old, we’d sit together in our porch and reminisce on all our memories together. You’d say to me “Hey, do you want to go to the cinema and watch Avengers 35? We can use our Senior Citizen cards and get in for free!” and I’d say “WHATTT? I can’t hear you! Can you pass me my hearing aid?

You’d shake your head while handing me my hearing aid. Then, we’d go to the theatre and I’d laugh while you throw out your back because you laughed too hard at a quip that the newly-rebooted Spider-man blurted out.

 

I know that you are still healing right now. So I won’t expect you to talk to me yet.

I just want you to know that I am not giving up on you.

I know that you will get through this.

 

I love you. I miss you. But this is not Good Bye.

A Letter to My Best Friend

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Dear you,

Have you ever met someone who understood you so well that you wondered whether you knew this person in another time, another place, another reality?

Perhaps you had known each other in your previous lives. You’ve forged a bond so strong that one lifetime was not enough. Even in death, you couldn’t leave the other alone. So, in your next life, you sought to find each other and, once you did, you vowed to never leave the other’s side through all your many lifetimes.

Perhaps you had been created from the same grain of sand. While God was shaping your mind, body, and soul, He realized that you couldn’t survive the harsh realities of life without someone to aid you on your journey. And so, from the same grains of sand He used to mold you, He created another with a different mind and a different body but a similar soul.

Perhaps you had evolved from comparable particles. You both used to be made of particles that have been around since the universe had first been formed. Though those atoms were once lightyears away, somehow they found a way to travel through time and space to create two human beings who were intended to keep each other afloat.

 

For some inexplicable reason, I found you. Or you found me.

It could’ve been by chance but I’d like to think that there was a reason our paths intersected.

Though we are far apart, I rarely ever feel like you’re away.

Thank you for often knowing the right words to say. Thank you for sitting with me in silence when you do not.

Thank you for keeping me from drowning in my own sea of fears and worries.

Thank you for constantly reminding me that I needn’t carry the weight of the world on my shoulders.

 

Sincerely yours,

Me 🙂

 

Note to Self: Keep Going

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Dear you,

Yes, YOU! I know it is much easier said than done but KEEP GOING.

Keep going even though you feel like a failure. You are not. Just because you’ve stumbled once or twice doesn’t mean that you’ll never be able to stand back up again.

Keep going even though you don’t know where you are headed. Life is a labyrinth–full of twists and turns. And although you are unsure of what’s in store for you at the end, you must continue moving forward.

Keep going even though you feel like the world is conspiring against you. Yes, there are things in life that we cannot control… but there are things that we can change. We each are given different burdens in life and we must learn to deal with the cards we’re dealt.

Keep going even though you feel like you can’t. Things do get better even though it doesn’t seem that way from where you’re standing right now.

Keep going. Life is a battlefield but it’s one you can win.

Keep going. I believe in you.

Being an Introvert in a World of Extroverts

Introvert Adventures

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It can often be tiring to be an introverted person in this world that favors extroverts.

There are times wherein people doubt your intelligence just because you don’t speak up too often about your ideas… like that time back when you were in  school where you got a lower grade than you were expecting  because, despite high marks in all your exams and papers, you didn’t “participate enough” in class.

There are times where people think you are antisocial just because you find it hard to initiate conversations… like that time at a party where you felt out-of-place and you felt anxious about talking to people you didn’t really know all that well.

There are times when people think that you don’t care enough about things just because you aren’t all that comfortable with expressing yourself by talking… like those times when people would try debating with you face-to-face when…

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